Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Want Things Right With Cheese

A feeling I truly hate is disappointment, but not one of being disappointed, rather of disappointing someone else. I always try to do my best, always try to be a better person, and just in general do the right thing. Yet, for some reason I always tend to just screw things up. My insolence just tends to ruin my attempts.
In the end, its always in the wrong situation, I just want to portray a certain image to certain people. I wanna seem smart, good, look like a good person, like I do the right thing. In the end it seems that I want to portray the better image of me, the side I like, that I forsake the point of it all.
I make stupid excuses all the time, I want my mistakes to go away, I want that clean slate, reverse my stupidity, not the stuff that has changed me into who I am today but the stupid mistakes I tend to repeatedly make without any lesson learned.
Whats worse is that feeling I get when lying to someone really important to me. I can tell the truth for a while, keep the feeling away by being honest, yet when it comes to preserving that image I want to present, even when a small cause would barely alter it, I shrink away, placing a false barrier. But then that horrendous gut feeling occurs, but not necessarily the feeling a guilt. Its more of a feeling of disgust, lying to someone important and close to me makes me sick to my stomach, I hate it but eventually I always come to the point where I make the lie and I hate that I keep doing it.

1 comment: